What do you think of this beginning? Critism please?

Wow. That's actually surprisingly good. Best excerpt I've read today, and that's saying something. Perfect amount of detail, good grammar, punctuation is great. The last speech where it says "It's, nothing." I would take out the comma. That's all I could see, really. Great writing. Good luck! Don't stop writing, I'm actually hooked! (And why do I sound so shocked) Ah well, keep writing! I want to read more for once :)